


Timelines

by dyingpoet



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Kind of nostalgic vibes, M/M, They end up happy af yall, anderperry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 13:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13319085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dyingpoet/pseuds/dyingpoet
Summary: Neil and Todd look at their pasts, presents, and futures





	Timelines

Todd's past colored itself with sorrow.

Not the kind of sorrow that drives to the edge, no, the kind that causes one to burrow into their mind, locking themselves in and everyone else out.

He remembered years of being alone, being regarded with an air of disappointment and unmet expectations. His childhood wasn't bad, not in the material sense, he lived in a comfortable home with a comfortable family. A nuclear family, shiny on the outside and decaying on the inside.

For as long as he could remember he had felt like he was missing something. Always on the verge of being forgotten and left behind to the point that he convinced himself he didn't need anyone. He didn't need his family, all of his friends were placeholders, they weren't real, though he longed so deeply though for something,  _someone_ , that was.

This desire haunted him for most of his adolescence, he tried not to think about it, tried not to think about the reason why he felt that. What was he looking for? He didn't know if it was a person or a feeling or a place but he knew it was out there, calling to him ever since those days when he first felt he wasn't good enough. Like he was second best in a competition that he never remembered entering, one that he didn't think he wanted to win anymore.

And so it went, he grew up, receding inside himself more and more as he watched the successes of his brother from afar. Deep down, it stung, but he had stopped allowing himself to feel that years ago, he didn't need the pain anymore. 

So, when his parents decided that maybe he was worth another shot and sent him to Welton, he had no reaction. He had abandoned all sense of hope that he could please them, his perspective was so damaged from years of mental solitude that they didn't matter anymore. He craved the silence that a life away from home might offer, but he wasn't happy or sad about going, he simply did what he was told because it was easy, following an ingrained path set before him.

That's what years of emotional distancing can do to a person, Todd realized that far too late, choosing instead to focus on keeping his head down and remaining silent. It wasn't until the year before Welton that Todd even became aware of how much his brother had affected him, made him feel like he could never be good enough, because his older brother would always be better.

So, yeah, he went to Welton, expectations low and mind already drifting somewhere far away when he stepped through the doors on that first day. People recognized him, looked at with an air of judgement, he was used to it, especially in a place like this. 

He said little, sat through the welcoming ceremony with a straight face. Mentally, he was deep in a daydream, a habit he had picked up at home when he had nothing to do, finding the vivid pictures and scenarios preferable to the stagnant reality he lived in.

When the ceremony ended and the time came for his parents to leave, he got up, did what he was supposed to, said goodbye to his parents, hugged his mom and shook his dad's hand. Then they left, and he found himself alone in a crowd of strangers, not paying attention, just trying to ignore the ghost of his brother that walked the halls.

* * *

Neil's past bred conformity into most.

He had nearly given in himself, being pounded with the idea that with obedience came success, merely a small sliver of hope kept him going. Going to Welton was a blessing in disguise for him, he got away from his father and his never-ending quest to break his son, and he got to live with his friends and recharge, getting his spirit and spark back during those nine months.

School itself could be better, Welton wasn't famous for its forgiving nature, but it allowed him a space to breathe and live. He allowed himself to push back the tension and sadness that his home instilled in him, not causing it to disappear, it still festered deep within him, but he could forget for a moment. He could laugh with his friends, work his way through his schoolwork, and calm down for an inevitably finite period of time.

Sometimes at night though, that feeling of anxiety and fear came back, left him lying awake thinking about his life, what he wanted to be and what he knew he was going to have to be. 

He had only ever talked to Charlie about that sort of thing, he trusted him with his emotions, rightfully so, as he had spent many a night on Charlie's floor, sometimes crying, sometimes not, mostly just talking, venting to his best friend about how scared he was. Scared was such a childish thing to be, some people would kill to have the opportunities he had, but he hadn't, he had never wanted anything but approval, something he had never gotten, and was starting to think that he was never going to get.

Charlie never once complained either, he depended on Neil as much as the latter depending on him, that's why Neil thought they worked so well. On the surface they couldn't be more different, but deep down they were both lost, in different places sure, but lost just the same.

Even though he got to go away for school, he always had a feeling of stagnancy in his life, like he was sitting still while everyone else around him moved forward and set goals for themselves, and just lived really, lived their own lives without stopping for other people. He so desperately wanted to be like that, in the future maybe, he had always thought that maybe putting enough distance and a legal right to his future might be enough to push him into whatever was out there in the world. He wasn't so sure anymore, he knew he needed to remain hopeful or else he would sink below the surface of the water and finally give in, but it had become so  _hard_. 

In turn, throwing himself into his studies came easily, it was a way to distract himself from his ongoing crisis and appease his father, a win-win really. School didn't come naturally to him like it did Meeks, he worked hard because he needed to, for himself and for all the other versions of himself that people expected him to be. He did his English and his math and spoke when spoken to, he became the face of the Welton to all those who cared enough to look at him from a distance.

When his last year of school rolled around, the normal feelings of helplessness came back with fervor, this was his last chance, at what he didn't know, but the feeling of running out of time lived with him. A clock ticked inside of him to the beat of his heart, it might drive him insane if he didn't do something, anything, for himself.

If something didn't change this year, he didn't know what he would do, and as he said goodbye to his parents and walked to his room, the familiar halls seemed to mock him. Something inside of him was stirring, and he needed some sort of help to draw it into the light

* * *

Todd's present was intimidating.

It was October, he'd been at Welton for a few months and it had been different from what he expected. The first few days had been a flurry of textbooks and meeting new people, he had a new roommate, Neil Perry, and a group of friends. He still considered himself a bit of an outsider, still opting to remain in his mind than out in the world with everyone else. 

His English class gave him a creative outlet, he had always been intrigued by poetry and Mr. Keating made it his mission to push Todd out of his shell, an effort that found itself fervently resisted by the boy himself. Words flew out of his pen sometimes with such ferocity that he surprised himself, Neil said he could be a poet but Todd didn't think so, he wasn't creative enough, brave enough to bare his feelings onto a page and into the open air.

The acceptance of his new sorta-kinda-friends was surprising. Neil had coaxed him out of his shell just enough that he laughed and could be relatively comfortable around him and the others. None of them mentioned his brother after the first day, either taking the hint that it was a sore subject, or just lacking interest. Either way, he was grateful that they befriended him for him.

Being away from home had its perks as well, he could stay up as late as he wanted, hypothetically, he usually passed out by ten, and he was with people other than his parents on a day to day basis. A refreshing change of pace. He had found out some interesting things about his roommate and Charlie as well, they had gone out apparently, which made Todd's heart skip a beat because that was another thing that he didn't want to have to bury inside himself anymore.

He had blurted out to Charlie that he was gay a while back, Charlie had been pestering him for ages after he told him about him and Neil. It had been an accident, but with surprisingly little consequence, Charlie just laughed and winked, wishing him luck on something that Todd didn't really understand yet. 

It felt like he was thawing out, writing poetry was helping him with that. Through metaphor and prose he allowed himself to express old feelings, confront them in a sense, but not in a way that normally would have scared him, with a softness that he understood. It was scary, but not in a hide under the covers kind of way, in a rewarding way. Writing made him feel better, made him feel valuable, made him  _feel_. 

Those feelings that had remained buried deep inside him for so long started to grow, to sprout into something unfamiliar and new, became a necessary extension of his psyche. He had no idea what this all meant, what it would bring about, but it was new and fresh, and in a similarly new environment he felt that he could make something of himself for the first time in a long time.

He didn't really know what he wanted to do after school, but he felt like he actually wanted to  _do something_ , which was uncharacteristic after years of numbing acceptance. Neil wanted to do something too, it scared him but it made him so happy, watching Neil happy was like looking up at the moon and finally getting a glimpse of that face that everyone said they could see, like seeing something raw and pure. He worried for his friend, but he had faith in him, invested his own emotions in Neil unlike anyone else he had ever made a connection with.

Right now, with the crisp autumn sunlight bathing them all in warmth, he felt himself growing as the world around him aged and fell, thriving in a landscape of death.

* * *

Neil's present filled his brain with a manic buzz.

This year had given him exactly what he had asked for, and if there was a god he owed him. The minute he had stepped into his room on that first day, got away from the stuffiness of the halls, he felt better. He took a deep breath, set his stuff down and met his new roommate. Todd contributed a lot to the change in him, served as a catalyst for desire in a way.

He surprised himself at how quickly he grew to trust Todd, he was the direct opposite of Charlie really, all soft smiles and stutters, trying to help him greatly improved his own mood. That probably came off as selfish but he didn't care, he felt alive, like an independent person for the first time in, well as long as he could remember really. About a month into the year he found out about the play they were having down at the community college near them. 

Acting, now that made him feel something, something big. It was like he could escape from everything inside him for a while, become a totally different person for an hour or so and take a walk in their shoes. His own responsibilities seemed distant and small as he stood up on stage, he bathed in the approval of others, suddenly realizing just how much he needed it, needed anything positive thrown his way to combat the knot of confusion rooted in his chest.

He knew this existed as a means to an end, somehow his father would find out, but he didn't want to think about that, he wanted to live for right now, live like Keating said. English had grown to be one of his favorite classes as of late, he walked into that room and felt challenged, invigorated, like he could be important and different, Keating made them believe that they all had the potential to be one of the greats.

Great was a word he never would have used to describe his future self, robotic maybe, but great? No, great was for people like Todd who could weave their thoughts into sentences and poems that made Frost look like a chump, at least to Neil anyway. He'd been blown away when Todd had stood up with Keating and made up that poem about truth, it was like he was reading from his soul, like he could see into himself and pull out something great, Neil only wished he could be like that.

The Dead Poets Society gave him the chance to be like that, to feel romance course through his veins and infect his soul with a unearthly light. He didn't know if any of the others felt like that whenever he had a meeting, maybe it was just the dramatic in him, but he adored that feeling, wanted to build a house and  _live_ in that feeling. He usually never got this far in his imagination, never allowed himself to enjoy happiness because in the back of his mind he knew it would end, he would have to go home and face the music. 

Not now though, right now he was here, at Welton, in his room with Todd and Charlie, watching as they bickered playfully back and forth about god knows what. He was happy now, feeling like Keating said they would, invincible, like he could do anything because the horizon was hazy and could take the shape of whatever he wanted. Sure, he still felt the sadness in him, but it wasn't as severe and confusing at it might have been a year ago, he didn't know who he was back then, and he knew it was childish and everyone felt that they knew themselves at his age, but it had to be true for him. 

It was like before he was drowning, struggling to just barely keep his head above the surface, but now, this year, he was just floating. The water was calm, if there was a storm on the horizon it couldn't be seen, he couldn't feel the buzz of the lightning before it came. All he felt was the sun on his skin and the cool water underneath him, holding him, supporting him through whatever came next.

* * *

Todd's future stained his hands with ink.

It had been a few years since he left Welton, the events of his last year giving him a necessary confidence to pursue his passion for writing in college. Keating and his friends would always be important o him, even if some of them didn't get together as much as they promised. He missed them still, not sure if he missed them, or missed what they represented in his mind. He was somebody for the months that he had spent with them, changing dramatically from the boy who walked through those doors, a shell of a person, into someone new. 

After he left, he went away to New York University, not an Ivy League like this brother, it didn't matter to him though, it fit for him, made him feel welcomed and safe, even if he shared the campus with so many students. He worked on the school newspaper for the full four years, starting as a journalist and working his way up to a junior editor by the time he graduated, getting a bachelor's in English with an emphasis on creative writing, and finding a job working for a publishing company, reading and selecting books and articles to take on. It mixed his natural hobbies and gave him time to focus his own writing, which he was happy to say he had gotten significantly better at over the years.

He and Knox actually ended up sharing an apartment, as Knox ended up finding a liking for architecture and went to school for that at the same university as Todd. He and Chris ended up breaking it off, not as sadly and with as big a burst of flame as they had all expected, but that was so long ago, a lifetime really. 

They hadn't been that close at Welton, but living as poor college students soon forged a connection between the two, Knox constantly trying to set Todd up with guys and Todd almost always laughing it off and having a shitty date, the guy tried after all, he could humor him. 

Deep down he really thought he might have ended up with Neil, after he did the play, somehow pulling it off without the knowledge of his father, they had gotten together in a flurry of hormones and excitement, and it had been amazing while it lasted.

Neil was his first love, young love at that, and being with him made him a better person, brought out the best in him really. They had stayed together, quietly of course, through that last semester of school, sharing a room became a dream come true for both of them. They both finished school like that, happy and together, blissfully unaware that they would both move on. They lasted through the summer, managing to visit and call one another as best they could, and it worked for a while like that, hearing each others voices was enough for both of them. 

Then it wasn't. Neil needed the physical aspect of the relationship more than Todd did in a sense, not even the sexual aspect, just brushing shoulders, holding hands. After a few months of summer when college rolled around Todd knew they had an expiration date, and he was sad for a while, talked it over with Neil one night and they both decided that it was best they split up before college, be able to start fresh.

That had to have been four years ago, Todd dated other people, made new friends, grew as a person with the freedom that he found in his young adult life. He still thought of Neil whenever he had to put on a tie though, he always helped him straighten it, and other times; sometimes the sun would fall through a window at just the right angle and he would remember that time it caught Neil's eyes perfectly, or how he would brighten up every room he entered, no matter the mood he was in at the time.

But that was the past, and Todd wasn't sad about it anymore. Time brought closure and he found himself happy, living with Knox in their shitty apartment on the lower east side, writing poetry and with a career now. As much as he missed the days when he was seventeen, he knew that if given the choice, he wouldn't go back, that part of his life was over, and that was okay.

* * *

Neil's future filled his eyes with blood.

His days at Welton had long since passed, and he tried to make the best of what was given to him. It had been made clear that if he didn't go to medical school he wouldn't be going at all, so he relented, starting the program and filling his head with Latin names and Greek origins. It was dry, but college offered him the chance to distract himself a bit, he joined theater, being eighteen the didn't need to tell his father and met a lot of good people. 

Charlie and him talked regularly, to this day actually, both of them pushed into a life of personal distaste by their parents, bonding over that like they had in their youth. They went to school decently far away, so there were months when they barely talked, but the foundation was there, they needed each other.

College went much like high school had, studying was hard, distractions were welcome and invigorating, and he got through the textbook portion of his schooling generally unscathed. He somehow still wasn't a doctor yet, he found out late in the game that you had to intern and get physical instruction with the human body for years before you could work with patients. Watching as his college friends graduated and went off to live their lives, he remained, waiting for a day that he was unsure would come.

It wasn't fun but he managed. He had decided to go into pediatrics, if he was going to be a doctor he might as well get to have fun patients, kids were supposed to fill you with life right? Something about the intoxication of youth, he couldn't remember.

With his friends and Charlie's help, he managed to get out into the dating world during his time at college, meeting a lot of guys, some good, some bad, all better than being alone. He did have a long term boyfriend at the moment however, he almost matched up to Todd, which no one had ever come close to in the years following Welton. His name was Steven, he was going for his doctorate in psychology so he and Neil both shared their experiences with higher education together. 

Steven became his reprieve from the medical student life he had been forced into, he was kind and understanding, allowed him to be himself; coming to his plays and even a few slam poetry events he'd tried to get into. Neil didn't know if he was the love of his life, there was a good chance that guy had gotten away from him a long time ago, but he came pretty damn close, and he did love him. 

He and Steven had talked about Todd before, the conversation not becoming catty or jealous, they both had their first loves and understood that they would always be pure in a sense, never put against the test of time, remaining untouched and frozen in their minds forever. He didn't know if he missed Todd, he knew he did for a while. Todd had called him, the call he knew would soon come, and they broke up. Deep down, he knew it was for the best, but it still hurt, clawed at his heart for months and kept him in a state of disrepair.

But that time had passed, he rationalized their relationship for a long time, came to the conclusion that they wouldn't of worked, and put Todd in the back of his mind, allowing him to become a rose colored memory from a different time, maybe a better time, he wasn't quite sure yet.

He slept well at night knowing that there was a man beside him who he loved, knowing that soon he would be done with school and that, at a whim, he could leave. Run somewhere with Steven and never come back, it was a fantasy he knew, but it was possible, something that in a rush of emotion could happen. That though could keep him going long enough, and after that who knows, he would find another inspiration to live, not just be alive.

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to do a character study of these two! Hope you enjoyed, leave kudos if you did!!


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